Thursday, March 5, 2015


I have lot of it. I think more now that ever. I'm waiting to hear if I get into an art thing, which makes turning my brain off impossible. No matter what I'm doing, there is a little bit in the back of my brain, thinking about what-ifs and possible scenarios. My part time job is rather slow this time of year, so it looks like I won't be working for almost a month, so I won't be making money or have something to distract my brain with. It's started to effect my ability to fall asleep, so I'm overtired and my body aches. I'm pretty sure I have sciatica, which just makes it worse.
Getting out of bed took me 5 hours yesterday, today it took about 2 & 1/2. I have my drawing things next to/in my bed, so even if I can't make myself get up I can draw. I thought doodling in neon colours would help wake me up and cheer me up. It didn't, but at the same time now I can't say I didn't do anything all day.
It may be starting to decrease. I was worse off over the past weekend, perpetually afraid something terrible was going to happen. I've stopped trying to prepare myself for the worst things that could happen. I'm trying to relax.
My counselor made me realize that I really never relax completely. Art is fun, but there is still the bit of "what if this isn't good, what if it looks dumb," even with the most simple of doodles. Exercise is great, but even if my body isn't fighting with me as it is now, there is always the "I need to do better. I need to get faster/stronger," yelling in my head.

At least I'm not anxious about forgetting to blog,

1 comment:

  1. Ooh, I like this neon business! I love your more abstract designs, they're some of my favorites. :D