nos·tal·giaI just read through all of my old blog posts. All 3 years of them. From "lets skip the niceties" all the way to "I suck at everything." Damn. My brain just cannot compute. It's crazy to see the change in what I do art wise, and even crazier that in my head I'm thinking I may have gotten worse. Having been in a relationship for over a year now, it's odd to see my teenage boy trouble blues. I feel like I create less than I used to. I feel like I do less than I used to.
:pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again
Really, I am as I always was- stuck and confused. Always, I'm stuck feeling inadequate and useless. Always, I'm confused at what I should be doing or what I want to be doing. It's like I haven't even changed at all. But I know I have.
I am older, I know more than I once did. I know not to tell people a fake name to see if you can keep a straight face. I know what the signs of toxic relationships are. I know that it takes more than expensive things to make great artwork. I know what it's like to lose a parent.
I guess that's one of the reasons I came back to read though, because I lost my dad. I've been looking for any mentions of him I may have made, everything else is just extra. I know losing him is going to effect me for the rest of my life, especially right now.
Right now is a very difficult time for me. But, I think it's more than that. This time is where I'm supposed to be figuring out what I want to do, but I can't. There is nothing I love more than everything else, I love everything. There are no niches left. Regardless of what I try to do, there will always be people better than me, unless there is some miracle thing no one has ever done before.
Maybe I'm just being silly, overly negative and pessimistic.
“Pessimism is, in brief, playing the sure game. You cannot lose at it; you may gain. It is the only view of life in which you can never be disappointed. Having reckoned what to do in the worst possible circumstances, when better arise, as they may, life becomes child's play.”