Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia
:pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again

 I just read through all of my old blog posts. All 3 years of them. From "lets skip the niceties" all the way to "I suck at everything." Damn. My brain just cannot compute. It's crazy to see the change in what I do art wise, and even crazier that in my head I'm thinking I may have gotten worse. Having been in a relationship for over a year now, it's odd to see my teenage boy trouble blues. I feel like I create less than I used  to. I feel like I do less than I used to.
Really, I am as I always was- stuck and confused. Always, I'm stuck feeling inadequate and useless. Always, I'm confused at what I should be doing or what I want to be doing. It's like I haven't even changed at all. But I know I have.
I am older, I know more than I once did. I know not to tell people a fake name to see if you can keep a straight face. I know what the signs of toxic relationships are. I know that it takes more than expensive things to make great artwork. I know what it's like to lose a parent.
I guess that's one of the reasons I came back to read though, because I lost my dad. I've been looking for any mentions of him I may have made, everything else is just extra.  I know losing him is going to effect me for the rest of my life, especially right now.
Right now is a very difficult time for me. But, I think it's more than that. This time is where I'm supposed to be figuring out what I want to do, but I can't. There is nothing I love more than everything else, I love everything. There are no niches left. Regardless of what I try to do, there will always be people better than me, unless there is some miracle thing no one has ever done before.
Maybe I'm just being silly, overly negative and pessimistic.
But hey.

“Pessimism is, in brief, playing the sure game. You cannot lose at it; you may gain. It is the only view of life in which you can never be disappointed. Having reckoned what to do in the worst possible circumstances, when better arise, as they may, life becomes child's play.” 

-Thomas Hardy  

I'm In a Rut

I'm prone to this feeling of sort of being stuck. It's like I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, and it frightens me. I start to feel really terrible, about what I like to do, and realize (for the billionth time) that I have no one talent, but instead am 'okay' at lots of things. I'm afraid or unable to specialize in one thing and it stresses me out more and I just spiral downward. The only things I produce are negative, if I can do anything at all. I try to force myself, but it's hard and I can't always push through. I really do put forth as much energy as I can, but by then I'm back down in my little hole, nesting away and trying not to cry.

Sorry to be such a downer. And unable to ever follow through. I swear one day I will be who I want to be and fight through everything that gets me down. A happier post next, I promise.

Sarah

A Year Older, But None The Wiser

So yesterday, the 7th, was my 20th birthday. As birthdays go, it wasn't much to write home about, but I had a lovely day regardless of the number. My parents I went to see 'Despicable Me 2,' ate at Moe's and then stopped for ice cream. It was nice to just hang around them, especially since I spend most of my time working or sleeping. The amount of facebook text notifications I received while we were out. More than 37 people used technology to wish me well on my day. That is insane! Technology has changed so much, I remember when we used to call our friends on their birthdays.
Even though I'm now 20 my mum still says I'm 7 years old. Such is apparent by some of the gifts she gave me like macaroni & cheese shaped like goldfish, a wolverine blanket & toothbrush, popsicle molds, and a trip to the zoo. I'm okay with 7 though, I'm still easily amused or distracted. Plus I have a crazy love for bubbles and crayons.
I'm gonna try to post more than once a week. I spent almost all of last week out of town visiting my main squeeze, hence nothing since Monday. Pinky swear I'll post again before Friday.

Sarah

Well, I Forgot this... Again

6 Months then 2 more. Gosh, my memory is gone. I'll try to remember this is here, especially since I want to get back into serious blogging, and not just tumblring.
Sarah
PS- Most recent drawing, in ballpoint pen

Bring You Up To Speed

Well now, it's been quite a while- a lot can happen in half of a year. This high school graduate started college for Art Education, and has finished her first semester of classes. She's learned a lot about herself [she's a caregiver, glad to perpetually be the sober one, sleeps almost as much as a Koala, and isn't that hard to live with,] and made plenty of friends. She met a boy, made new friends, and finally has texting.
Now, she'll stop with the third person.

I've taken a basic 2D design class, a drawing class (99.9999% of it was cubes & cylinder still lives), and partook in the painting of a celestial mural. I've knit almost as much as I've lost needles and forgotten to get new to finish projects. Thanks to friends at school, I've taken photographs using a lens similar to one I hope to purchase in the next 6 months. Half a dozen purse-sized sketchbooks have been filled with doodles in pen, pencil, and anything else at hand. I still love triangles. I still like people watching. Recently I've returned to working on digital art as well (and for Christmas received a new bamboo tablet.)


Sarah

Six Months Later

I didn't realize how much I missed serious blogging, since I've been tumblr-ing instead of posting here. I miss adding more information about stuff, rambling and ranting. So, there's a good chance I'm back... Once I figure out this new blogger layout.

Doctor, Doctor!

Gimme the news, I've got a bad case of timelord blues. And then there's the centurion, It's just a bad case of timelord blues.

So, I've graduated from High School, been watching Doctor Who up the wazoo, and trying to get ready for college [while trying to relax at the same time.] I've received more gel pens & crayons than I know what to do with, and have been offering cheap senior portraits for all of my soon-to-be-high-school-senior friends. 

I still cannot use blogger on my computer, so I suggest checking my tumblr, http://artandaudacity.tumblr.com/ , because you're going to get more updates there.

Sarah

PS- Not to brag, but this weekend & next week are gonna be awesome too. 4th of July, and then my 18th Birthday is on the 7th.

I Am A Death Eater.

Being the Death Eater I am, while the studio art kids were making prints of flowers and animals, I made the dark mark. I've 10 prints and four sketchbooks dawned with the mark of Voldemort. Since I have some boxes coming in the mail (literally, boxes... It's a free shipping kit.), I've decided to have a giveaway!

I'm giving away one of my Dark Mark Moleskine Sketchbooks!

All you need to do is stop by my tumblr and follow. Then Reblog This Post!

On June 28th I'm picking a winner via a random number generator. So, enter and tell all of your Voldy friends!

Pieces of Limbs and Polyjuice Potion,

Sarah

Basically, Blogger Now Hates my Computer

Blogger works at School, but refuses to work on the computer I usually use. (Just like tumblr.) No matter the browser, I can't log in or comment on others journals. So, I will try to get a sort of Photo-Dump post up soon, and I will have my June 25th one ready in the Queue for the Mad tea party. Other than that, no guarantees.

---Sarah

It's Going To Be Mad Fantastic!

If you prance over to a fanciful twist [there is also a banner on my sidebar], you can experience the madness coming to you on June 25th!

Sarah

Bow ties are Cool

Do you know what else is cool? The last 6 weeks of my senior year in high school. AP tests are over, I have my Ball (prom), a load of senior activities and graduation. I'm currently catching up on the new season of Doctor Who (I've missed episodes for concerts and things.) and figured I'd type up a post. I got into my top two schools, and am incredibly excited to say I'm going to a SUNY in the Fall, for art education. If all goes well, I'll have some better art to post, and end up as an Art teacher.

Recently I've been enthralled by Triangles & the full human form, in quite a melancholy mood, and eating few things other than smoothies, carrots and hummus. I'm reading a collection of Lewis Carroll's works for my my Lit class, the count of injuries due to wood carving is up too four (all on the left thumb,) and I've become very skilled at sleeping again, which both aids the constant tiredness, but makes it worse if I'm not careful. I have found myself even more fond of my ginger friend than I have ever been (which is hard to imagine, but is true), and begun to seriously miss the friend I spent last summer with. It's driving me mad, and half of my thinks it's not necessarily her, but her company. I've been finding it difficult to save money for college and camera lenses, when I want nothing more than dozens of knee high socks, DVDs of Doctor Who and sketchbooks.

Which reminds me, once I save up $25 here (It's redgage. I get money for views. If you look at my content, I'd love you forever.) I'm going to get 2 packs of Moleskine 3-packs and draw on them. That will make me happy.

My nose is cold, and I've other things I must do, so drawings and photos below. Click to see them larger, on deviantart or redgage.

Sarah
PS: If you've a tumblr or google reader, I suggest heading over to My tumblr, where my art is posted one thing at a time, more in sequence and sooner than it gets posted here.

Branching Out to a New Material...

Wood.
Haha, get it? No? Branch, wood, comes from trees, with branches? Yeah, I know, my jokes are lame. Anyway...
My school is having it's annual art show in two weeks, and I'm really excited for it, because I get a whole 4' x 8' board in it. For some reason I've decided I'm going to finish an idea for a 3-d piece before it starts. This is my first time trying to carve wood. I used a scroll saw, and am now using steel carving tools. My wrist is numb and my tall socks are full of wood shavings, but I'm hoping it will turn out well. I basically have no clue what I'm doing.
So far, I've sliced open the tip of my left thumb. I shall be keeping a tally of wood & wood tool induced injuries. If all goes well, I won't injure so many fingers that I lose the ability to type. Now, I'm going to go find some blood-free sand paper, and try to work on it a bit.

Sarah