Planning My Way Out

I haven't posted in almost a month, but at the same time I was still actively reading blogs I follow, so I'll only count this as half a fail. Anyway, while I've been away I've gotten into 3 colleges, seen 2 of them, and made my decision. In the fall I'll be driving 3 hours away from home to go to school a state away. Dan and I drove down so I could go to an open house this past Saturday, and I'm confident I made a good decision. I'll be studying animation and film, taking classes in both before deciding on a concentration. I'll get to work digitally and traditionally, and finally in the field I want to. 

My associates in Graphic Design didn't really feel like I was doing it for me. It was like my parents wanted me to go back to school, and I was afraid my boyfriend's family would think I wasn't good enough for him if I just worked fast food forever. This time, I'm going to school for me, with full support from my family and boyfriend. 

It will be good for me, in so many ways. I will get to learn what I want to learn, spend time on a really pretty campus, potentially see more of a state I've only visited a couple times, and live on campus. To be honest, I'm super depressed. But that depression isn't what I was facing in high school (or maybe it is, but I can't go back in time to be sure). If you put depression on a scale from 1 being barely any to 10 being I've been in bed for a week and I cry every hour on the hour, when I'm out of the house I'm at a manageable 3 or 4. It can be a struggle to get going on occasion, but I'm fine. When I'm home it's a 9 for a myriad of reasons. So going away to college is going to get me out of here, and I cannot wait.

So, I've been trying to work on art, and being out of the house the last few days I was able to get a little bit of digital art done. It is my weakest skill, so I'm going to continue working on it. And now that I'm home again I'm gonna try to keep my spirits up. You'll see another post soon, I promise.

Thanks for reading,

Sarah

Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia
:pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again

 I just read through all of my old blog posts. All 3 years of them. From "lets skip the niceties" all the way to "I suck at everything." Damn. My brain just cannot compute. It's crazy to see the change in what I do art wise, and even crazier that in my head I'm thinking I may have gotten worse. Having been in a relationship for over a year now, it's odd to see my teenage boy trouble blues. I feel like I create less than I used  to. I feel like I do less than I used to.
Really, I am as I always was- stuck and confused. Always, I'm stuck feeling inadequate and useless. Always, I'm confused at what I should be doing or what I want to be doing. It's like I haven't even changed at all. But I know I have.
I am older, I know more than I once did. I know not to tell people a fake name to see if you can keep a straight face. I know what the signs of toxic relationships are. I know that it takes more than expensive things to make great artwork. I know what it's like to lose a parent.
I guess that's one of the reasons I came back to read though, because I lost my dad. I've been looking for any mentions of him I may have made, everything else is just extra.  I know losing him is going to effect me for the rest of my life, especially right now.
Right now is a very difficult time for me. But, I think it's more than that. This time is where I'm supposed to be figuring out what I want to do, but I can't. There is nothing I love more than everything else, I love everything. There are no niches left. Regardless of what I try to do, there will always be people better than me, unless there is some miracle thing no one has ever done before.
Maybe I'm just being silly, overly negative and pessimistic.
But hey.

“Pessimism is, in brief, playing the sure game. You cannot lose at it; you may gain. It is the only view of life in which you can never be disappointed. Having reckoned what to do in the worst possible circumstances, when better arise, as they may, life becomes child's play.” 

-Thomas Hardy  

I'm In a Rut

I'm prone to this feeling of sort of being stuck. It's like I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, and it frightens me. I start to feel really terrible, about what I like to do, and realize (for the billionth time) that I have no one talent, but instead am 'okay' at lots of things. I'm afraid or unable to specialize in one thing and it stresses me out more and I just spiral downward. The only things I produce are negative, if I can do anything at all. I try to force myself, but it's hard and I can't always push through. I really do put forth as much energy as I can, but by then I'm back down in my little hole, nesting away and trying not to cry.

Sorry to be such a downer. And unable to ever follow through. I swear one day I will be who I want to be and fight through everything that gets me down. A happier post next, I promise.

Sarah