Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia
:pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again

 I just read through all of my old blog posts. All 3 years of them. From "lets skip the niceties" all the way to "I suck at everything." Damn. My brain just cannot compute. It's crazy to see the change in what I do art wise, and even crazier that in my head I'm thinking I may have gotten worse. Having been in a relationship for over a year now, it's odd to see my teenage boy trouble blues. I feel like I create less than I used  to. I feel like I do less than I used to.
Really, I am as I always was- stuck and confused. Always, I'm stuck feeling inadequate and useless. Always, I'm confused at what I should be doing or what I want to be doing. It's like I haven't even changed at all. But I know I have.
I am older, I know more than I once did. I know not to tell people a fake name to see if you can keep a straight face. I know what the signs of toxic relationships are. I know that it takes more than expensive things to make great artwork. I know what it's like to lose a parent.
I guess that's one of the reasons I came back to read though, because I lost my dad. I've been looking for any mentions of him I may have made, everything else is just extra.  I know losing him is going to effect me for the rest of my life, especially right now.
Right now is a very difficult time for me. But, I think it's more than that. This time is where I'm supposed to be figuring out what I want to do, but I can't. There is nothing I love more than everything else, I love everything. There are no niches left. Regardless of what I try to do, there will always be people better than me, unless there is some miracle thing no one has ever done before.
Maybe I'm just being silly, overly negative and pessimistic.
But hey.

“Pessimism is, in brief, playing the sure game. You cannot lose at it; you may gain. It is the only view of life in which you can never be disappointed. Having reckoned what to do in the worst possible circumstances, when better arise, as they may, life becomes child's play.” 

-Thomas Hardy  

Dear Advanced Art Class

I finished the first of two drawings for my Advanced art class. It makes me happy, so you can see it, and then the letter I wrote to the class itself, not my peers. I'm a nut case, but you know, at least I can admit it.

(Click for larger View)

My dearest Advanced Studies in Art,
You no longer scare me. I fear not any sort of pompous or superiority complexes when it comes to my classmates. Intimidation of their skill is now practically non-existentYour weekly drawings no longer fill me with dread, in fact, I cannot wait for the weekend, where I can sit and draw that object for three hours.
Three hours I sat, perched upon cold porcelain, my toes freezing and my back aching as I leaned forward. I laughed at your hard bound book, and your many blank pages. I mocked you as lines came together to create the forms I saw in front of me. You deserved everything you got.
I've wasted a month, cowering in the 'shadows' of my classmates, which really only existed in my head. I've feared my inability to reach perfection while they all surpass my minimal skill. Not any more.
I refuse to be intimidated.
I refuse to believe I can never be as good as they are.
And now, I refuse to take less than 2 hours to draw something Ancient Egyptian.

Sincerely,
Sarah