Comebacks are Hard

Not even like, sports comebacks where your body has to go from fat to fit with crazy endurance. I'm talking comeback to where you used to blog and kind of gave up, but came back because you miss being able to talk. Miss being able to explain and have feelings and show the process.
Tumblr is great at getting art spread quickly and connecting with people, sure. But it's also really great for art theft and doxing- neither of these things are pleasant. Then you have your personal, professional websites. You know, where you try to be proper and hirable with plenty of examples of your work so someone hires you. And deviantart is great for critiques and sharing as well. But it isn't making a 3+ paragraph long post with multiple images and an added little tidbit about your feelings. No, that's what blogging is for. Putting the art and the personal together in one spot, saying exactly what you mean because it's your space. Posting all the art you want, because it's a place for you to display your work, and then look back on it later once you've grown.

So I guess what I'm saying is I want to come back. I know there isn't anyone out there to ask permission from. But at the same time I feel like I have to type this out and make sure that I know it will be hard to get back into the swing of things. And even if not now, eventually my life with pick up and be busy again. But how about we give it another go, for old time's sake?

Thanks,
Sarah
(p.s. the whole time I've been typing this, the voice in my head has be Scottish. I'll take that as a good sign)

Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia
:pleasure and sadness that is caused by remembering something from the past and wishing that you could experience it again

 I just read through all of my old blog posts. All 3 years of them. From "lets skip the niceties" all the way to "I suck at everything." Damn. My brain just cannot compute. It's crazy to see the change in what I do art wise, and even crazier that in my head I'm thinking I may have gotten worse. Having been in a relationship for over a year now, it's odd to see my teenage boy trouble blues. I feel like I create less than I used  to. I feel like I do less than I used to.
Really, I am as I always was- stuck and confused. Always, I'm stuck feeling inadequate and useless. Always, I'm confused at what I should be doing or what I want to be doing. It's like I haven't even changed at all. But I know I have.
I am older, I know more than I once did. I know not to tell people a fake name to see if you can keep a straight face. I know what the signs of toxic relationships are. I know that it takes more than expensive things to make great artwork. I know what it's like to lose a parent.
I guess that's one of the reasons I came back to read though, because I lost my dad. I've been looking for any mentions of him I may have made, everything else is just extra.  I know losing him is going to effect me for the rest of my life, especially right now.
Right now is a very difficult time for me. But, I think it's more than that. This time is where I'm supposed to be figuring out what I want to do, but I can't. There is nothing I love more than everything else, I love everything. There are no niches left. Regardless of what I try to do, there will always be people better than me, unless there is some miracle thing no one has ever done before.
Maybe I'm just being silly, overly negative and pessimistic.
But hey.

“Pessimism is, in brief, playing the sure game. You cannot lose at it; you may gain. It is the only view of life in which you can never be disappointed. Having reckoned what to do in the worst possible circumstances, when better arise, as they may, life becomes child's play.” 

-Thomas Hardy